100+ Hilarious and Funny Facebook Statuses to Make You Laugh Out Loud

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Let’s face it, your social media presence reveals a lot about you. One phrase on social media may cause people to pass judgment on you for an unlimited number of reasons.

While you’re wondering how everyone comes up with such fantastic Facebook status updates, we’ve put together a cheat sheet for you.

You may be educated, gorgeous, or smart, but there is one quality that everyone admires. Being amusing, of course!

Also, in today’s stressed world, getting folks to read one paragraph that makes them chuckle may work wonders, and you can do it.

People that are hilarious look more self-assured and relaxed, which is something that everyone admires.

Here are a hundred humorous Facebook statuses that will make your friends laugh out loud and shower you with likes and comments to help you start growing your social presence:

  1. You can’t be late until you show up
  2. Looking at people’s mutual friends and saying “OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM”
  3.  If gas prices keep going up I’m cutting off the bottom of my car and I’m “Flintstoning it”
  4. Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
  5. Line dancing was originally invented by women waiting in line for the bathroom.
  6. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
  7. Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.
  8. Mosquitoes are like family as they suck blood.
  9. Once again I’ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
  10. Never look back. If Cinderella went to pick up her shoe, she would not had become a princess.:D
  11. Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. It’s YOUR day, ruin it yourself.
  12. Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
  13. I drive more safely when there’s food in the passenger seat than when there’s a person sitting there…
  14. Don’t look now, but I’m hiding under your bed.
  15. I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.
  16. Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
  17. I wouldn’t need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.
  18. When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, “My wife took everything when she left.”
  19. You look like I need a drink.
  20. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away, and you have their shoes.
  21. I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you: the more you have, the longer you live.
  22. Aren’t we ALL internet explorers?
  23. Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
  24. For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair.
  25. I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
  26. I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without anyone questioning their motives.
  27. Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
  28. I was God once. It was going really well until everyone died.
  29. My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.
  30. Apparently, people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
  31. A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, “Where were you between four and six?” I said, “Kindergarten.”
  32. My wallet is like an onion—when I open it, it makes me cry.
  33. Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I’m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
  34. Facebook resembles a jail since you write on its wall.
  35. Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I’m 82.
  36. I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
  37. Kidnapping? I prefer the term “surprise adoption.”
  38. I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
  39. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  40. When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
  41. Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
  42. In the History of Days, the first 5 days after the weekend are the toughest forever.
  43. Today’s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
  44. You don’t want to question me. I’ve forgotten more in the past week than you’ve learned your whole life.
  45. Dear Facebook: Please stop asking me what’s on my mind. I’m gonna get myself in trouble if I keep spilling my guts to you.
  46. Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
  47. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
  48. A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
  49. I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying “You’re next”. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, “You’re next”.
  50. Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
  51. This beer tastes like future mistakes.
  52. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  53. The kids next door challenged me to a water balloon fight. I’m just updating my status while waiting for the water to boil.
  54. 9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I’m crazy. The tenth is humming.
  55. I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
  56. My nickname at work is “HR wants to see you”
  57. Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
  58. I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
  59. Telling someone that you’re going to bed, When you’re actually not, and then having to hold back from posting things on Facebook.
  60. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  61. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  62. I don’t have goals. The goals are for soccer. I’m not soccer.
  63. Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
  64. Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
  65. As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.
  66. What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and medical records.
  67. Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it craps on your head.
  68. I’ve stopped using Facebook to face my book for exams.
  69. Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore.
  70. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.
  71. My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
  72. Facebook account for sale, Friends included.
  73. I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
  74. Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software… it’s called Monday, please fix it.
  75. My wife just changed here facebook status from “Married” to “widowed”, should I be scared?
    1. There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
    2. Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together.
    3. Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!
    4. Checking your symptoms on Google and accepting that fact that you’re going to die.
    5. Nobody Texts Faster Than A Pissed Off Female
    1. When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
    2. Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
    3. My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
    4. If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
    5. An excellent plan today is far better than the best plan tomorrow.
    6. A bug just landed on my computer screen and my first reaction was on try and scare it away with the curser
    7. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
    8. The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.
    9. The police called to say one of my friends escaped from a mental hospital. Which one of you crazies got out and where should I pick you up?
    10. No price tag means it’s free, put it in your pocket.
    11. What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
    12. If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either.
    13. Calling someone “stupid” is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
    14. The secret behind funny Facebook status that get likes is Ctrl + C and Ctrl + V.
    15. Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
    16. Lipsticks are red and sky is blue. I have no mutual friends then who are you?
    17. I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
    18. Don’t worry about what I’m doing, worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.
    19. I used to be in a band called “missing cat”. You`ve probably seen our poster.
    20. My son asked me what it’s like to be married, so I told him to leave me alone. When he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
    21. I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
    22. TEIAM—problem solved.
    23. If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say “science appreciates you”.
    24. God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
    25. Santa saw your posts. This year you are getting a dictionary.

Now that we’ve taken care of you, try out some of these amusing Facebook updates.

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